Am I committed to my life?

I recently realized that I’ve never made a commitment to this life, my life, my beingness with all that comes with it, talents, gifts, and the unique bundle that is me. There’s always been a part of me that has held back. Not fully gone for it. Not really wanted to be here on this planet, in this body, afraid of this or that or the other thing. Anxiety lived in me so continually and familiarly that I never knew I was anxious until someone described an anxiety attack. I just looked at them and said, “I’ve been living like that all my life." (Another story is how ThetaHealing assisted me to clean out and disappear that anxiety.) Part of the lack of commitment, this ambivalence about life is that I’d enjoy and treasure life in one moment, and in the next I’d wish to disappear, to just not go on (I feel as if I’m taking a huge leap to admit all this here – and yet I know that these sorts of love/hate, push/pull, up/down feelings live in many of us. One of the things I love about Theta Healing is that it’s assisted me to bring a balance to this see-saw. But, back to my subject. Commitment to my life? What does it mean to be making a 100% commitment to my life? I’m still finding out. Right this very moment, sitting in Eaton Canyon on a cement picnic table seat, life twittering and buzzing about me, the soft cool breeze a welcome relief form the heat wave of the last week I know that the action I’m taking right now to write this is an action of commitment to myself. It is an action of exploration, of learning, of being willing to both learn and write about what I learn so that others may profit from it if it is applicable to them. It is an action that says no more excuses like I have so much to do I can’t get to this. This action is from the heart of my being, an act of my creativity expressing itself And it’s now. I’m approaching 60 wayyyyyy too fast. It’s only a little over a month away. It’s certainly not comfortable to look at the lack of commitment in the last 60 years. Even more uncomfortable if I make it wrong. Who knows, maybe I’ve lived lifetimes like this and in this one, right now I’m waking up. What a wonderful thought is that? If that’s the case I still may have another 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years to be committed to and fully enjoy my life. Or, I may only get this moment. And maybe the next. Really though, it’s just about the NOW. Each moment of NOW. Am I living this moment committed to myself. What does this mean? How do I know what commitment to myself is? My first step was to use Theta to Ask the Source of ALL that is to teach me what the Source’s definition of commitment is and to make mine the same. What is the definition of commitment that causes a sycamore to fully commit to being a sycamore? A bumble bee to fully commit to being a bumble bee and even though he’s not supposed to be able to fly, to carry heavy weights of pollen from one flower to another. I’m sitting in a grove of sycamores and each one is different, has a beauty of its own and some seem more fully committed to life than others. On Yahoo news this morning, I saw a video of the US’s oldest worker, Ray Jenkins – he’s 101. He’s still working at a fairgrounds and looked and sounded to me as mentally and physically agile as some 70 years old I’ve seen. That man is commited to his life. While he doesn’t see anything special about what he’s doing – he’s a beacon to me – there is a life long after 60. Given that it took me 20 years to “grow up”, I could have a half a lifetime more to … to what? Yesterday I used my Theta to learn how to live a life of commitment, what it means to do that, what it feels like to do that, that it’s safe for me to do that, and that I’m worthy and deserving of living such a life. And I do feel that change inside of me. And I do see my own actions changing as a result. I am this font of creativity, how many ways will I fully express it?